A rough guide for Nazis who have to vote this weekend

McMahon: Short, but not sweet

If you’re one of the 448 currently paid up National Front (NF) members, you are indeed a very privileged (and socially challenged), individual.

It’s election time in the NF, which means you get to vote for potentially the next leader you want stabbed in the back or beaten to within an inch of their life in a pub car park by your fellow members. It is, therefore, a heady responsibility and a privilege; a taxing plebiscite for only those who are white enough to be members of the National Front.

The criteria for candidature for positions on the NF’s ruling body, the six- person “Executive” as it is known, is a heady cocktail of ideological challenges where your fellow racial brethren will challenge your political motives and scrutinise your every whim and motive to within an inch of your Aryan life.

It’s like a political enema for Nazis. Get it wrong, and they’ll beat the crap out of you. Not only must you be white, racist and of shortened blond locks, you must have no political ambition whatsoever and the lesser your IQ, the better.

But I digress, Nazis voting for Nazis is a serious business, particularly in the NF, one of the world’s oldest Nazi parties. Sadly, the short list this year is not so impressive. Who knows where all those BNP members went, but it was certainly not into the NF.

The NF are not a fan of votes at the best of times. Most recently, they stood candidates who did not even get into double figures in Yorkshire and Essex, so you get the idea as to why they have plans once they come to power, to do away with the electoral process entirely. Indeed, instead of an election night, there will probably be some kind of X-factor style telephone poll or a sort of Bonehead Miss World, where bikini clad boneheads stomp across your television screen in Doctor Martens for the privilige of ruling the country. The next morning, the victor then personally visits the homes of those who did not vote for them, and smashes their living room windows.

This year there are ten candidates for the six positions. Why they don’t just do musical chairs to the sound of the Horst Wessell song is beyond most of them. Most of the candidates will be well known to longstanding antifascist activists. Most of the candidates have been kicked out of other Nazi groups and find themselves (often back in the NF) because nobody else wants them.

Every candidate has their own election address, some of them are unsurprisingly, a little bit on the “I want to be Hitler” side of things. Others are a little more like an ad in the desperate and dateless section of the Battersea Gazette.

Anyway, votes have to be in by this Saturday. So here’s our little guide to the 10 candidates, what their election address says and what we think it really means:

Richard Edmonds promises to “serve the party to the maximum of his abilities”. Read that as:”I hate Jews, race-mixers and black people. You will too.”

Kevin McMahon says he’ll “keep this short and sweet” but actually, he has the longest election statement: Read that as: “I’m a liar as well as a bore.”

Mark Freeman says “We must insure our kin have a wrothwhile future”. Read that as: “I’d never let my kids join this bunch of nutters”.

Mick Griffin says “For family, community and country”. sadly for Mick, apparently, Liam Pinkham is going to smash a glass into his face if he is elected. So, read that as: “I might need some new friends” or “No, I am not related to Nick Griffin.

Chris Willett says, “The NF is the only political party I have ever been a member of..” Read that as: “No other ****** will have me.”

Bernadette Jaggers says “I am not going to soft soap you.” Read that as: “I know most of you reading this are sexually frustrated, but…”

Andy Edwards says “I have been in the party for ten years.” Read that as: “You’ve probably never heard of me.”

Mike Cooper says “I am currently treasurer of Hull branch”. Read that as: “I can count to ten, nearly.”

Nigel Piggins says “I have been an active nationalist since the 1980’s”. Read that as: “I’m a long time violent Nazi.”

Tony Robinson says “I have travelled widely to attend nationalist activities throughout Europe”. Read that as: “I go to a shit load of Nazi gigs in Poland.”

Statements: