It’s not just the big guns of British political life who spend this time of year flag waving, arguing, lobbying and patting each other on the back.
Although none of them actually vote on policies or elect anything or anyone, even fascists like to get together and fight in the car park outside of a grotty pub among themselves once a year. It’s in their constitutions, you know.
So, let’s have a run down on the who, what and when’s of this year’s political conferences for the socially inept, politically prostrate and outright stupid.
BDP
Who: British Democratic Party (BDP)
When & Where: Somewhere soon, they don’t want to rush these things.
They Say: The BNP is dead.
Form Guide: Hard to find any form in this old nag. Some people had such high hopes for the BDP, but it appears that hating Nick Griffin is not enough. They might be able to win a game of University Challenge, but other than that, there’s not a lot else going on. It transpires that the party President does not like regional accents and neither do the mockney’s down sarf, who complain they cannot understand the Geordie accent of the party’s Chairman, former toilet salesman, Kevin Scott.
If they do decide to hold a conference, it will be boozy and the membership as well as Scott, left outside with their faces pressed against the window.
Kevin Scott: Has found a venue where he can be understood
Kevin Scott: Has found a venue where he can be understood
Ken Booth: In charge of the shoe box
Ken Booth: In charge of the shoe box
What to look for: The party’s membership list and finances recently went missing after someone mislaid the shoe box that is the party’s head office. Hopefully it will show up soon. You may see former GLA clown Richard Barnbrook running the bar, which will ensure at least some dirty dancing and a cream suit, but no-one else from London as they hate “Dicky” down sarf. Who knows, maybe they’ll have two conferences. Their recent London conference was actually held in Kent such is their poor grasp on Geography. How they’ll ever invade Poland at this rate is beyond me…
What to avoid: A certain bookmaker who is down on his luck and Ken Booth, who also manages to mislay his dentures on a regular basis.
What they’ll say: “The BNP is dead”, again.
Themes: Hitler good/Jews & BNP bad.
BNP
Who: British National Party (BNP)
When & Where: Blackpool 28-29th September
They Say: “Meeting with like-minded people is a great morale booster.”
Form Guide: It gets smaller every year, but this really is the place to be if you can stomach it, because these events, like all BNP events, are normally doused in some sort of scandal; from under age girls being snuck into grotty bedrooms, angry Trots shimmying up the drainpipes, Martin Reynolds screening homemade pornography on his mobile phone and in one bygone year, cockroaches on the dinner plates.
What to look for: Apparently there’s a prize if you spot Adam Walker, but just spotting anyone would be a good start such is the rapid demise of the BNP. London BNP chief and Aryan pornographer Steve Squire won’t be hard to spot. He’s taken to dressing like a jockey and wearing silly hats. That’s what you get for dating a Madonna impersonator.
Steve Squire: The biggest helmet in the BNP
Steve Squire: The biggest helmet in the BNP
Adam Walker: Will busboy be escorting you to your room?
Adam Walker: Will busboy be escorting you to your room?
Like minded people: All 17 of you, together at last
Like minded people: All 17 of you, together at last
What to avoid: Martin Reynolds, obviously. Also Simon Darby, he could bore dry rot. Then there’s Clive Jefferson; he’ll chase you down until you’ve promised upon death, to leave the BNP all of your worldly goods and this could come sooner than you expect should you have been collared by Simon Darby.
What they’ll say: Nick Griffin will wear an enormous grin for most of the weekend as if he does not have a care in the world. And to be honest, if he’s not been declared bankrupt a few days before the conference, he doesn’t really have much to worry about at all. BNP staff members may be sending out their CV’s in anticipation of being jobless next year, but old Nick’s got loads of dosh in the bank, so he’ll say he’s having a great old time. By the way, not only did Griffin apparently stop Britain going to war, he also scored the fourth goal in the 1966 World Cup.
Themes: Assad/Hitler/Gaddaffi are good. Jews and Tommy Robinson are bad.
EDP
Who: English Democratic Party (EDP)
When and where: Hilton Hotel, Leicester, 20-21 September
They Say: “Ingerland, Ingerland, Ingerland…”
Form Guide: The EDP is in such severe decline, the manager of the Hilton Hotel would do well to get payment in full, up front. The EDP hasn’t just swung to the extreme right since throwing the proverbial leg over a few hundred BNP rebels, it’s positively sunk into the gutter of Holocaust Denial Irish hating, Scotland hating, alleged vote rigging and even joining up with a hooligan group too stupid for even the EDL.
Steve Uncles: Will be selling off parts of the UK for the price of an English bean
Steve Uncles: Will be selling off parts of the UK for the price of an English bean
Leicester Conference: Plans to defend Berwick by force will be drawn up
Leicester Conference: Plans to defend Berwick by force will be drawn up
What to look for: If you’re Irish and happen to be in Leicester on the day, why not pop in and try and buy Northern Ireland from the EDP? Apparently it’s yours for ten grand. Also expect to see the party faithful out trying to dig up the remains of some old Queen.
What to avoid: if you’re staying for the night, DO NOT look for Haggis on the breakfast menu in the morning. The EDP seems to think it’s some kind of halal fish.
What they’ll say: “We want our own parliament with English sausages and English corned beef.
“Let’s invade Scotland, keep the Falklands but sell Ireland to the Argentina. We’re just like any other ordinary party, really…”
Themes: Ingerland good. Everyone else-bad!
NF
Who: National Front (NF)
When & Where: London, 6th October 2013
They Say: “This is a very important AGM”
Form Guide: As one of the world’s longest surviving Nazi organisations, this one will end up with someone getting some kind of life threatening injury. The NF is in the middle of another split and to add further insult to injuries, there’s also a jealous wife and a spurned lover on their way to confront ex-partners. The chances of there being any kind of debate are minimal, but the NF does like to lay on a nice buffet, which as ever, will be courtesy of the “Nazi Granny” Tess Culnane. Apparently she does a lovely spread, and there will be no curry, either. The party has recently welcomed back a series of high calibre members, so expect a drunken brawl, a stabbing and a lot of Nazi saluting throughout the day.
Hear no evil, see no evil: The Master Race
Hear no evil, see no evil: The Master Race
NF Bovver: Prepared for a day at court
NF Bovver: Prepared for a day at court
What to look for: An angry wife and an angry husband should be trying to make an appearance at some stage. There might not be many of them, but the NF is quite capable of starting world war three after two pints of a Germanic beverage, so it’s best to look for somewhere you can avoid flying glass whilst enjoying your light libation.
What to avoid: Other than flying glass, avoid all eye contact. And certainly do not go looking at the Fuhrer’s “bird” as that is tantamount to launching a fifth column. Also, keep an eye on your wallet.
What they’ll say: “You looking at me/you staring at me/did you spill my pint/can you lend me a tenner?”
Themes: Hitler/Tyndall. Dead people, mostly.
NBU
Who: New British Union (NBU)
Where & When: Near Milton Keynes 4-6th October, 2013
They Say: There will be chicken in a basket and armbands for £25.00
Form Guide: These people take themselves very seriously. You don’t dress up in fancy dress and salute each other for nothing. Indeed, without the chicken in a basket, you can still have a black shirt and an armband for a cool £15.00 The NBU are the new kids on the block, but very reminiscent of the dark days of care in the community.
Gary Raikes: You too can look as special as Gary
Gary Raikes: You too can look as special as Gary
Hot Buffet Lunch: But only reheated fascism
Hot Buffet Lunch: But only reheated fascism
What to look for: Somebody who isn’t there doing an article for a Sunday Newspaper.
What to avoid: Avoid at all costs shaking hands with leader Gary Raikes. This could well render you his deputy. Also, avoid parking in his space outside of the venue. As well as dressage, Raikes is obsessed by parking spaces. The Jews must have nicked them all.
What they’ll say: “People don’t understand us.”
Themes: Polished boots, Jew hating, hand-holding, singing of silly songs and the praise of a dead fascist. Leader Gary Raikes believes he is the reincarnation of Oswald Mosley, so it’s no surprise he’s had his gun license taken away from him.
