Fined for wearing a bin bag

Matthew Collins - 06 01 15
Adolf & Eva prepare for court

Adolf & Eva prepare for court

Much excitement yesterday for the beer swilling, bible bashing, military impersonating fascist gang, Britain First.

Paul Golding-bigger than John Lennon in his home town of Swanley, was up before the beak at Chelmsford Magistrates in Essex charged with harassment and wearing a political uniform.

There had been an extraordinarily breathless build up to Golding’s court appearance. On the eve of the trial Jayda Fransen, Golding’s sort of deputy cum Eva Braun, donned her black mascara to address the troops via the interweb.

Jayda gushed that Paul had enough money to pay his barrister and that it was all thanks to those good Christian folks who had been sending in monies. She gushed, I gushed, probably even Jim Dowson blushed.

Most of the money it would appear has actually been diverted from the group’s online shop. It must’ve been. There’s currently a nine week wait for orders and yet the diet pills and cheap vodkas keep on coming into Castle Golding.

Outside of Jeremy Kyle's studios

Outside of Jeremy Kyle’s studios

Britain First kept us all updated on twitter as to the goings on in court. Golding went for a wee three times, ate a pork pie, went to the toilet again etc, etc. Steve Lewis took forty winks, Jayda did her lippy, twenty-three bible bashing supporters drank cans of lager on the steps of the court. It was, after all, a big deal. No doubt the commander of Al Qaeda broke off from sunning himself at Bahía de Guantánamo in Cuba to keep himself abreast of the activities of his most mortal fundraising enemy.

Now, I don’t want to be accused of being a Godless sodomite, or whatever it is Britain First accuse people of, but Paul Golding did look rather fetching in his suit. I had half expected him to turn up to court in his bin bag, but it appears (all to except one poor woman who missed the missive) that the green bin bag is soooo last year. Golding looked gorgeous in his off the peg, light charcoal number. It reminded me of the good old days when you could just walk into C&A a scruffy oik and nine minutes later and with the help of some carefully inserted hat pins, bowl down Oxford Street like you were king of the world.

Yes, being at court did most definitely suit Golding. Half way through proceedings, Jayda apparently held up a sandwich board thinking that there was some sort of half time break. Golding fiddled with his badge, the 30p special he flogs for £3 on street corners.

There was a lot of legal stuff to take into account. Golding apparently dispensed with Jesus’s legal advice and took on wise legal counsel instead.

Shortly before four o’clock, the judge had heard enough and he went off to deliberate. Outside, the streets were hushed as thirteen people waited for news. A pigeon lost control of its bowels, such was the tension. Paul went to the toilet. Jayda gave him an Opal Fruit for the journey.

Not long after, the terrible news was in. It was like one of those days where you remember where you were when you hear life-changing news. Paul Golding was found guilty!! Whatever happened while the judge was out of the room we’ll probably never know. Did he convert to Islam? Is Chelmsford a Sharia court? “GUILTY” it screamed. Well, their twitter account did.

That awful moment the world stopped turning

That awful moment the world stopped turning

I was in the pub with a woman named Sandy who is doing a documentary about people like Paul Golding. “Share this awful news” screamed Britain First’s twitter account at me, with a picture on it of Golding back in his bin bag. Sandy bought me a packet of cheese of onion crisps.

Golding was fined £325 for harassment and £100 for wearing the political uniform. He was also ordered to pay £532 costs,

It’s not a lot of money. Poor Paul is no longer very poor at all. Now we await the tax man.


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