Helping Britain First save money

Paul Golding: Reich Minister for Propoganda

Having spent the weekend driving around Luton telling locals to “go back to the desert” Britain First have sent out an email begging for more funds.

Neither Goebbels or Dowson could deliver a better mixed up begging missive than this one. It’s a brilliant email, littered with italics and bold words.

Are you sitting comfortably?

First of all, things are going really well for the party. Anyone who has seen one of their tiny marches could tell you that. Also, according to the email, Britain First’s boozed up “workers” are not “leaving the office until 11pm with further work still piled up for the next morning”.

Well, you read it there first. Britain First staff do not finish work until the pubs are closed.. I believe we have mentioned a few times previously the party’s predicilition for pissing away the massive profits from running scams.

“More members and supporters means more and more enquiries, processing, databasing, phone calls, postage, emails, letters and so on” it continues. “Britain First now enjoys a support base of nearly amillionpatriots worldwide, but we are only equipped to deal with an organisation afractionof this size –fact”.

Yes, it is a fact they are only set up to deal with the forty odd people who engage with the party off line, and are nowhere near equipped to deal with the other 999,960 people in rural China and the Indian sub-continent who are for some reason subscribers to the Britain First Facebook page.

Feel the width, not the quality

Britain First now need to move to a bigger office, preferably one with more relaxed licensing hours I would imagine.

Moving office is an enormous and expensive task, I can tell you from past experience that the costs could even run in to tens of thousands of pounds, particularly if you are expanding to potentially administer an entire continent as Britain First appear to be.

However, this is where Britain First’s plans fall into, what I may allege, is potential disrepute. This is Britain First’s shopping list:

£1,500 – For a new and bigger office to provide the space and facilities we desperately need to function;

£1,000 – For a range of new computer and telecommunication systems;

£400 – For office equipment like desks, chairs, printers, call centre pods, filing cabinets, and so on;

£400 – Removal costs to re-locate our existing office infrastructure etc.

Total: £3,300

I’m not sure what kind of office and for how long you can have it for £1500. A month? Plus, new computers and telecommunication systems for £1000? Maybe they’re buying them from Fisher Price? It would also apparently, cost about the same (£400) to move their office as it would to furnish it.

It appears to me, someone experienced in these matters, that they dreamt up an appeal and then tried to not appear too greedy. Or professional.

Being the helpful type, I have decided to help Britain First out by finding the appropriate materials within their imaginary budget:

A new head office

You can get Barbie’s old place for around £86 at Tesco. No, not Klaus Barbie’s, but still, this Barbie was blonde. Not a lot has happened here to dampen your faux Christian enthusiasm for Counter-Jihadism. It does come in pink- which any Fraulein would adore putting the hoover around very much. And don’t worry about Ken popping around pissed trying to recount old times. He converted to Islam ages ago.

Perfect for hate calls

These babies come for twenty quid. What better way to spend your day on the phone begging for beer tokens than with this happy little soldier. And think of the exercise your fingers will get having to actually dial old style. It will also dramatically halve the phone costs because with its wheels, it doubles as a mobile phone, too.

Perfect for dinosaurs

The furniture is a little more pricey, this comes in at a whopping £65. However, it’s ready made for dinosaurs. I can just see Mr Dowson fitting into one of those should he bother to pop around and check how his auld friends are doing, nicely.

That’s all for this week, folks. Next week tune in when I’ll be helping Brendan Rodgers find another bargain signing from the Evo Stick Premier League.