Top ten festive fascist turkeys

Matthew Collins - 22 12 15
Walker: One turkey not safe for kids

Walker: One turkey not safe for kids

It’s been a delightful year chasing, reporting and following the Nazis around. They’re not big and they’re certainly not clever. It was another year of failure at the ballot box and of course, humiliation on the steps and in the lost luggage of Liverpool’s Lime Street station for them.

The press over exaggerated the prowess of our fascists; they are in the main just tawdry, drug addled and delusional losers. But, as the year comes to a close, we remain ever on guard and vigilant. Although it has been another year of heroic failure by the flaccid Fuhrer’s, let’s not forget that the year started in Mold, in Wales, when a disturbed individual carried out a racist attack in his local supermarket. His bedwetting brethren- those that inspired him, may have got away with tipping him over the edge, but their thirst for violence continues.

Our job is to make sure that they will not and will never win. And what with the furore over the Sports Personality of The year, we thought we would have our own award. To give it a festive flavour, we’ve called it ‘Turkeys of the Year’ in honour of the ten fascists who failed miserably.

So, let’s begin the festive countdown:

Brons with Griffin: Neither's laughing now

Brons with Griffin: Neither’s laughing now

10. Andrew Brons: The former British National Party (BNP) MEP came within a whisker (9 votes) of becoming leader of the BNP back in 2011. He then hung around like a bad smell until every last one of his supporters had left the party. Once they’d all gone, he quit the BNP himself and formed a party in his own image. It’s not done very well. These days Brons has joined the cult around former BNP leader John Tyndall and makes a speech every year in his honour. Brons of course was no fan of Tyndall. Old ‘JT’ must be laughing in his spittoon, even if Brons does point out JT did not have a grasp of elasticity.

Kev Bryan

Kev Bryan

9. Kev Bryan: Former Chairman of the National Front who was forced to quit last month. Bryan had a coughing fit at the wheel of his car and crashed in to a bus. The bus has since returned to work.

Watmough: Neither big nor clever

Watmough: Neither big nor clever

8. Kevin Watmough: The Redwatch boss is a bit of a loser. He even lost his wife in a coffee shop earlier this year. Apparently she was far from amused. He later ended up with egg on his face in Liverpool. Still no sign of the wife.

Biggs: The bad egg on the left

Biggs: The bad egg on the left

7. Simon Biggs: Biggs made his name in the 80’s when he defended burgling homes because the victims of his handy work were either black, Asian or gay. In the 1990’s he enhanced his reputation further by smashing a glass into the face of a black man who had the audacity to walk down the same street as Biggs holding the hand of a white woman.

He then landed in Newcastle where he found himself head of the local NF. His thieving didn’t stop there, however. He quite recently got nicked for nicking a pot plant from B&Q. Fair enough. He was thrown out of the NF earlier this year for launching a vicious attack on the ‘White Delia Smith’ that is the NF’s Debbie McMahon and her husband Kevin. With a choice between pot plants and Aryan pot-roasts, even for the rather cerebrally challenged NF it was a no-brainer. Biggsy had to go. If only the silly sod had known Kev Bryan was about to toddle off, he would not have needed to try and impress him so much by attacking Kev and Debs, and he’d still be able to tuck into Debbie’s lovely baps every other week.

Davies: Couldn't get a woman wet if he stood in a puddle

Davies: Couldn’t get a woman wet if he stood in a puddle

6. Alex Davies: Failed philosophy student Alex is one of many hardmen from the teenage art project ‘National Action’ who found themselves soiled and tearful at Liverpool’s Lime Street station in August. He and his Aryan chums got locked in the left luggage looking like the pitiful pipsqueaks it transpired they really are. Not to be outdone, Alex got the group back on its feet by producing a shite T-shirt he claimed would get girls “wet.” So, I guess we can add virgin to his other labels of nazi, loser, chicken and stupid.

Layzell leading the poles to the pigs

Layzell leading the poles to the pigs

5. Kevin Layzell: We’ve watched young Kevin’s development with great interest. So too has the state by all accounts. As well as helpfully leading Polish Nazis into the hands of Wigan police, Kevin also reported back to the Home Office recently about his joyous trip to visit other neo-nazis in Poland. Probably just another reason that Eddie Stampton gets all hot under the collar at the mention of Kevin’s name.

Stampton: Cucumber boy and grass

Stampton: Cucumber boy and grass

4. Eddie Stampton: When you’re a Nutzi and you’re in need of some help, just hope Eddie Stampton doesn’t try to befriend you. Just ask former C18 boss Charlie Sargent about the favour Eddie did for him! Earlier this year Stampton also took Yeovil irritant Joshua Bonehill under his wing and between them they shared their hatred of most things, mainly women and Jews. Though despite his many faults (too many to list here), there is no evidence to suggest Bonehill ever beat a woman near to death with a cucumber.

When Bonehill was finally sent to prison earlier this month, he blamed Stampton. Quite a few people have lost jobs because of Stampton, too.

Earlier this year Stampton bought out a book about his exploits in the far-right. There wasn’t many copies printed because that sort of printing is not so glamourous after all. One of the few copies he gave out to his most trusted friends ended up on EBay a couple of hours later. Eddie could not believe he, the king of betrayal, had been so betrayed himself. The book apparently omitted to mention of his long periods of grassing, woman beating, drug dealing and private modelling contracts.

He also upset the UDA in London and is alleged (you have to say that even when it is true) to have tried to send antifascists to attack London based Loyalists having a shinding in Waterloo. All he wanted in exchange for the information was hard cash.

Bolton: Sex pest with a small member

Bolton: Sex pest with a small member

3. Dave Bolton: Bolton was the big cheese in the English Defence League (EDL) until falling on his sword after months of infighting that further harmed the flailing gang of yobs and weirdoes. Bolton had become infamous with female members of the EDL because he had a habit of sending them pictures of another member. Yes, Bolton sent women pictures of his willy and begged/demanded sex from them. The only surprise we got when the picture of Bolton’s willy came across our desk was that it did not have ‘EDL’ tattooed on it. To fight off the attacks on him, he managed to have one his internal competition arrested on the EDL’s tiny march in Walthamstow earlier this year. But it was all over for Dave and his flaccid willy by September. He’s not been missed.

Bonehill: Sadly detained for the foreseeable

Bonehill: Sadly detained for the foreseeable

2. Joshua Bonehill: he was an idiot, but also an unpleasant idiot. Just ask the people who have to deal with 999 calls from him or about him all hours of the day.

Walker: The intellectual giant currently leading the BNP

Walker: The intellectual giant currently leading the BNP

1. Adam Walker: He can’t make a decent speech, he can’t iron a shirt, quite obviously cannot work a razor of any kind and he’s not allowed to teach children. It would’ve cost us thousands of pounds to send someone into the BNP and do the sort of destruction job on them that he has done. What a desperate wally.

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