When Boneheads get angry

Matthew Collins - 19 04 16
Boneheads: They're all over the shop

Boneheads: They’re all over the shop

So, I’ve had another raft (if that’s the right word) of angry nazis threatening to do all kinds of things to me. One, a sad little nazi with fantasises about witchcraft and little boys, has even threatened to turn me into a frog! Merde!!

Others just threaten the usual which somehow with these sort of people always seems to concern my bottom. One threat, a warning from the Right Wing Resistance faux army, has got me wondering about Gary Crane and his ilk. I know Crane didn’t send it, it’s not his style.

He’s mainly famous for poncing fags off kids at bus stops and yet we worry that one bus wanker will infect another with his poison. It’s not easy being a Bonehead. I know some may sneer at them for the large boots, misspelt tattoos and their work-shy ways, but have a little sympathy.

They are a put-upon group; understood, but very unloved. A minority in a world that keeps on spinning. You know what it’s like; you like those Spaghetti hoops that let you spell out Hitler on your dinner plate, but you do not like the fact that despite their German sounding name, the manufacturer steadfastly refuses your demands to put swastika shaped spaghetti in the tin.

Abby's reward for Aryan infidelity

Abby’s reward for Aryan infidelity

You carry the whole weight of the world on the steel tip of your boot. It’s a full time job just avoiding work and it’s depressing that your favourite colour is actually black. Your boots are black, but your bread is white. Your mother stopped sewing dodgy badges on your uniform around the same time you left the cub scouts and your sister has a black baby that you cannot help but love.

And then, not only that, according to the white man’s internet bible, the Jews have got you wanking about fat girls!!

Unsurprisingly, you the Bonehead have few friends. Your old friends, fools, embraced foreign food and jungle music years ago, leaving you with a couple of dodgy armbands, some YouTube videos and a membership to a private army that is not really like an army at all.

Instead of drilling, you lay in bed all day drinking cheap lager (and thinking about fat girls, apparently), dreaming of going to war, but in reality are just glad that someone else is doing the killing for you somewhere far, far away from your front door. To show those proper soldiers your support, you wear a poppy, but you do not buy it from the British legion. You buy it from a grubby nazi like yourself to keep the money amongst similar brethren to yourself. There’s too many darkies in the real army.

It's funny because it's true...

It’s funny because it’s true…

Yes, spare a thought for the Boneheads. They say they’re right wing but they worry that every article in the Daily Mail is actually about them as they lounge around in front of a long mirror. Maybe Norman Tebbit was right all along.

The truth is, Crane normally walks to the nowhere he’s heading as bus fare eats in to his lager money. The kids on the bus, well, they’re too bright to actually fall for his nonsense. But he does go into the off license for them and buy their fags for them. That’s just another social poison entirely.

And, poor Crane has enough problems of his own without us picking on him. The other Boneheads have taken a dislike to him. It’s the celebrity of his situation. ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’ as the Australians so eloquently explain it. Since crowning himself the Toughest Bonehead in Britain with dubious tales about his fighting prowess as he fled Liverpool Lime Street last year, and with tabloid tittle tattle about him poisoning kids with his filth, some other Boneheads have questioned his worth.

Timms: Don't tell the social

Timms: Don’t tell the social

Crane ran off with another woman no sooner had he made the Scottish papers last month and his Boneheaded celebrity grew out of control. Celebrity will do that to a man. Crane ran off and left his wife so that he could be with Abbie Timms aka Abby Cartwright, another naughty, nutty, neo-nazi. She’s got form, and it hasn’t taken long for her to join the ranks of Crane’s ‘Right Wing Resistance’ a layabout Bonehead army dreamt up from the depths of a moronic New Zealand national who has a yellow appendage on account of his time eating crisps in front of his lap top.

Timms/Cartwright has also apparently, been having difficulties with Crane’s ex-missus, who has been left stumped up in Kilmarnock and unwilling to go to the shops and procure fags for the kids Crane has been accused of trying to poison. Confused? Well yes, you should be. She’s allegedly been waking up Timms/Cartwright and Crane with nuisance phone calls in the middle of the day.

Let’s hope the social don’t find out that Timms/Cartwright is now a full-time bootlicker in the Aryan resistance to work- army, too.

‘Right Wing Resistance’ (hereafter known as RWR) is of course not just the creation of Crane- as I pointed out earlier. It is an international concern of bedsit bootboys and girls with aspirations of turning this world into one big plate of Aryan spaghetti hoops with Swastikas. They hate blacks and Asians and Jews, too. This is hatred that permeates bedrooms across the world.

Jerimiah: Doubles up as a nazi dildo

Jerimiah: Doubles up as a nazi dildo

I’m not going to be safe from their homoerotic cosplay, anywhere!

One of my most favourite members of the group is Jerimiah Olson who is some kind of fluffy faced front- fascist for the group in the United States. Heavens knows what level he is up to on ‘Counter-Strike: Global Offensive‘ but it must be impressive. Jerimiah (obviously no decent pic of him is available) is the US’s national recruiting officer, regional officer/warrant officer and retaliator enforcer! That’s right, ‘retaliator enforcer’, which sounds remarkably like some instrument my Father bought his secretary one Christmas but instead of in her expectant lap, by massive stroke of misfortune, ended up under our Christmas tree much to my Grandmother’s chagrin/pleasure. Jeremiah must run on a hell of a lot of batteries. He’s rampant. If he came to our offices enforcing some form of Boneheaded retaliation, one would no doubt be expected to squeal like a pig.


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