An important message for men

Matthew Collins - 19 05 16
Jack Sen of the Jack Sen Five

Jack Sen of the Jack Sen Five

This one is for all my fellow brethren. I mean men by that, by the way. I want to share with you all the joy of our manliness. Every single one of us was made in the image of God. And I don’t even know what colour he is. He may be white, he could be Chinese, he could Black. But all of us are made in his image.

No, God is not a woman before you start with that old nonsense. We know this because Jesus sent him a Moonpig card every Father’s Day and a cheeky text on his birthday. You wouldn’t do that for a woman.

And he’s English- as our some of the finest people to ever walk this earth: Woody Guthrie, Kenny Dalglish, Nicky Tanner, Mick Hucknall and Sting among them. Need I go on? I don’t think so.

In fact, being a man was even more brilliant until that woman ate the apple in that bloody garden. She was specifically told not to. Then, after she disobeyed a clear instruction from a man, we found ourselves lost in a world of tight Levi jeans- forced to undress in a launderette as some kind of objects of desire for women folk. Or “wimmin” as some might say. She with the apple was probably French, by they way.

But man should not worry. Help is at hand with our daily grind of looking lovely and being forced to wear particular types of shoes to work. Yes, fascists are to our manly rescue. Who else?

Manliness and all of its beautiful testosterone are a constant topic for the far-right. Some people are just not man enough. But luckily for us men we have British Renaissance minding our lovely man tools for us. British Renaissance is the brain child of a man not white enough to join any of the Nazi gangs that operate in this country already. So like any good man would, he formed a group of likeminded men to help a brother out. Yes, British Renaissance- or as we call it- The Jack Sen Five, are sticking up for men folk with all the boyish charm of a genocide. A man who gives you war could never be a bore.

Man up and read this rubbish

Man up and read this rubbish

On their website earlier this week, Jack Sen’s Five took up the issue of men. Real men; in an ‘essay’ (I use that term very loosely) by Joe Chiffers. Chiffers, according to Sen, is “a barrister and a power lifter.” I mean, that is what all men should be. Never mind a Premiership footballer and an Ice Cream man.

I could barely contain my excitement when I saw it. Immediately I despatched a woman of little note or worth to the kitchen to prepare for me a sumptuous feast courtesy of the frozen men of Findus. It should’ve been a Frey Bentos pie, I know, again, the female of the species was somewhat remiss in her shopping duties this week.

I trembled in manly excitement as I began to read what would be without doubt one of the most important contributions in the battle of the sexes since that Australian woman wrote a book about a missing willy.

THE IMPORTANCE OF MANLINESS & COURAGE IN THE MODERN WORLD” had me immediately hooked. Yes, it is important to be a man in a modern world. The last thing any of us would want to be in the digital age is some kind of gushing Eunuch. Then came a welcome distraction; The frozen meal arrived almost on time but she couldn’t help being a little tardy what with her pendulous threepenny bits getting in her way.

King Henry V, according to the essay, was a bloody great man. He was walking around Agincourt with blood all over his face. To illustrate this as fact, a picture of the actor Kenneth Branagh was used to illustrate just how much a man King Henry V was. I have to say, it was a valid point. I for one felt my testis tighten as the argument for manly men got full throttle on itself. If Branagh with blood got me excited, there then followed a picture of former Labour leader Ed Milliband looking all un-bloody and metrosexual. By now, I began to get the picture as I’m sure you all do; Actor covered in fake blood is good, politician lounging around at home (or wherever it was) is bad. Surely Milliband could’ve popped into one of his kitchens and poured some Ketchup down his blouson whilst brother David shouted from the other kitchen “Man Up! Man Up!” But alas not.

All men should look like actors

All men should look like actors

The essay wasn’t all just dead kings and bloody actors. It had facts and stuff. “Physical strength, power and courage, aside from being of limited practical importance in the modern world, tend to be viewed as morally neutral, i.e. they can be used for just or unjust ends” the power lifting barrister opined. And he went further… “The modern word virtue, i.e. just or morally good, comes from the Latin word ‘virtus’, which in turn came from the word ‘vir’, meaning man. The word ‘virtus’ came to encompass a number of attributes, including strength, courage, manliness, prudence and justice, all as part of one ethical cannon.” Yes, that’s right: “Ethical Cannon.”

Being a man I had to take a short break and go outside and chop some wood. Then I burnt a cross. As a result, her indoors had to re-do a whole load of washing she had put out on the washing line. (That’ll learn her to interfere with the manly pursuits of a man who lives on the fourth floor.)

Our problem, lads, is contemporary society. “Physical strength, power and courage are still valued in contemporary society by a small but significant section of the population” the barrister continued. I knew what was coming next. Yes, Neanderthal woman.

“This is due to the natural desire of men to attain these qualities and the natural tendency of women to admire them. “ Bang on! Yes, her from the garden with her French apples. I reminded myself that only Mater, my physician and cricket captain have ever been allowed to see me naked, so I sent her to hang the clean washing in the bathroom where she keeps her perfumes and potions.

Then suddenly the essay changed. We went from keeping oneself sweaty and brawn to Islam. I have no idea how this happened, what with Babestation blaring out full blast. But suddenly my manliness was under attack from Muslims. “Essentially the millions of Muslim ‘migrants’ and ‘refugees’, coming into Europe and the Western world do not as whole, share the values of feminism, tolerance and pluralism.”

Or did I read that bit wrong? I’ve stopped using glasses since the Chinese cornered the market but I’m pretty sure that Muslims and refugees have just been accused of not being namby-pamby liberals.

There then followed six reasons which the barrister pre-ambled with the immortal “these are generalisations” as to why Muslims and immigrants were bad. I am not entirely sure how I went from examining my bollocks in the bathroom to immigration but, Point 4 (a “generalisation”) read:

“Where members of ethnic or religious minorities commit serious crimes and atrocities against these societies they instinctively and dogmatically look inwards and search for mitigation based on injustices supposedly created these same societies. They often view marginalisation as the cause, failing to grasp that the terrorists and criminals do not want to be ‘integrated’ but simply despise these societies and seek to eviscerate them.”

Just some generalisations

Just some generalisations

The essay then switched to Holland. Some blokes have been wearing skirts to demonstrations to show solidarity with women who have been sexually assaulted. By all accounts, that is some kind of no-no. Never mind the assaults! I quickly ran into the bathroom and told her indoors to “Man Up!”

I cleared my throat and read on. “I appreciate that due to age and/or disability, not all men can achieve the masculine ideals of physical strength, athleticism and power. Yet such attributes should be venerated and all those who can, should strive to acquire them. By doing so one provides a clear demonstration of the axiomatic falsehood of androgyny.”

I had no idea what that paragraph meant, but it did feel like the Aryan Rumpole of the Bailey had moved from bloody thespians through hordes of Muslim immigrants, through my bathroom and into a world of silly sentences.

He then listed seven more generalisations whilst her indoors had by now left the bathroom and was watching the DVD ‘How Stella Got Her Groove Back.’

The article finished with a glowing recommendation we be more like the not-white enough Jack Sen, leader of the Jack Sen Five.

Apparently a “former British parliamentarian” will be joining Jack, the barrister and few other men for some kind of training in the winter. That’s interesting, as Sen has accused National Action members of engaging in near Sodomy when they go away with each other for training.

Still, I doubt Sen will actually be digging up Sir Oswald Moseley or Enoch Powell, but more likely Nick Griffin for some winter’s pig wrestling down on the farm in Welshpool. The whole essay had left me somewhat uncomfortably confused.

He really is Kim Il Sen

He really is Kim Il Sen

So, maybe I am not man enough to be a naughty, nutty, neo-nazi. I thought the Dutch blokes in skirts had made a valiant effort. But my self-appointed penile advocate had heartily disapproved. And then there was Sen himself, having fought his way out of Stalin’s gulag minus his toe inviting us all to join him, the barrister and Nick Griffin for proper manly pursuits minus our “wimmin”.

In need of some loving reassurance, I turned to her indoors. She was still watching Stella getting her groove back. I gave her the old fashioned and manly tap on the shoulder. She told me to **** off.


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