Who wants to live with Mark Collett?

Britain’s foremost mini-Führer, the miniscule Mark Collett, has rarely had an original idea of his own. Not even when the boys from the National Front had him cornered and cowered in a tatty armchair.

This of course, is not all Collett’s own fault. Some Austrian painter had the audacity to be born before Collett and what with his verbal and written diarrhoea, there was very little left for Collett to provide a magnum opus of his own.

Collett now leads and owns the perfectly formed Patriotic Allotment (PA), a sort of fan club for stolen ideas and unadulterated adoration of his small but body beautiful. Until very recently, PA’s favourite activity used to be for their young men to strip off and send photographs of themselves to the party to scrutinise. Once this drew fire from some grown up Nazis, this practice was (publicly) dropped.

New year, new and old ideas

2021 had a few bumpy rides for PA and their glorious leader, but at least Collett (probably) feels he can sleep better at night now (he thinks) he’s dodged a bullet with his dealings with the naughty, nutty, neo-Nazis of National Action But maybe don’t breathe too easy in those tight fitting lederhosen, Herr Colett;

A little birdie told me the other morning there was an emergency homage to Castleford recently- but more on that much (much) later. Nor is here the place to mention the convicted Nazi paedophile Ryan Fleming. But I will do, soon.

Living in lederhosen

Collett’s latest stolen idea is that all his fans move into some kind of cul-de-sac together. I’ll call it ‘Camp Collett.’ Writing to his unclothed young supporters yesterday, Collett opined “I would love nationalists to all come together” and “collectively move to purchase all the homes on a new build estate.” Can you imagine it? “I think such a place would be a better environment to live. I think if such a place existed it would be cleaner, more friendly and would embody traits that would make it stand out as a beacon of excellence.”

Collett’s obviously got a migraine going on- or worse, he saw the hint of an ethnic minority outside his local Co-op during the week. This idea of gammon living next door to gammons exclusively is hardly new (you’ll not be surprised to hear.) Collett’s old chums in National Action had the very same idea. Like Collett, they all wanted to live in Yorkshire together and probably join the Women’s Institute and bake little Nazi cup cakes together. One of Collett’s old friends, Jack Coulson, was very taken with the idea. From his bedroom window Coulson told his racial brethren, Coulson reckoned he could even fire his pipe bomb at one of Bradford’s mosques.

For National Action the idea of a bunch of ‘White Jihadis’ living together got as far as their two brightest sparks Ryan Fleming and Garron Helm being sent to the Yorkshire Dales to find suitable properties for the gang to cover in girlie pics from the Sunday Sport. Those two reported back to base camp instead with some sheep skulls they took to worshipping in Fleming’s living room as if it was the second coming. But I digress; Collett thinks all these Nazi folks living together and rising together in time to salute the national anthem being played at 05.59hrs on GB News would be “a better environment to live.”

I have my own vision of what it would be like in Patriot Allotment world:

Every morning a bare chested young boy in Lederhosen with a large tattooed swastika on his chest will cycle up each driveway to deliver a freshly printed order of directives from the local ‘Aryan Neighbourhood Watch.’ Typed overnight, by Collett, it would publicly shame any Aryan on the street whose grass was not at exactly 1.3cm in depth. And those whose washing did not flutter in the Aryan breeze like a freshly ironed swastika would be sent to a starch camp for re-education.

Following a hearty communal breakfast of fruit and vegetables farmed by the good folk at Patriotic Allotment’s erm, allotment, at 10am the community would gather to watch Collett work out in front of his mirror. At 10.12am, there would be a tea and biscuit bollocking from Charlie Little Onions, who for some reason would now be living in a caravan in Skegness and not in Spain. (If he really was a criminal, the Spanish would deport him, you know…)

Lunch would be held after hiking to the local Morrisons, where kids eat for free. And let’s be honest, more than your odd Nazi doesn’t feed their kids properly. Shoplifting would be encouraged, obviously, to keep money out of the the hands of the Jewish bankers and in the bank account of Mark Collett where most members’ money ends up anyway.

Whilst at Morrisons, the younger members would be encouraged to strip to their waists and drop a banner (that’s not a euphemism, more of a probability) in aisle four, where the shameless supermarket sells ‘women’s’ products.

Back at the cul-de-sac, named after the visionary of community living, Vernon Howell, there would be time for some neighbourhood interaction and recreation. For these fun and games to work, everybody has to hide in their wardrobes dressed as Batman and Collett, their leader, has to find them- blindfolded.

After the fun and games there’s time for some reflection. The young men will be encouraged to form a circle and confess to Collett any impure thoughts they have over some of Grandma Fowler’s wet tea and biscuits. If these young men also have access to crayons, they will be encouraged to write down these impure thoughts and draw pictures of them. This ceremony, called ‘confession’ will ostensibly be procured from one of the mainstream Christian churches, but modified to avoid any mention of the Jewish bloke.

After a quick cross burning followed by a lynching, everyone gets a rub down with a damp cloth (there is no running water there to avoid the Zionist poison of Flouride.) Then there’s a warm cup of coco and bromide before it’s up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire for everyone. Once safely tucked under their union flag duvets, the dulcet tones and the latest thoughts of Herr Collett are piped into every living quarters to help everybody get a good night’s sleep. This is followed by the latest offering from songbird Morrissey, for those who like to party until their English hearts are content.

Living in a poop-free environment

The other benefit of all living together under his eye, would be, according to the man himself, the lack of dog poo. (This would almost certainly guarantee Billy Charlton buying himself a granny flat.)

Collett expanded more of his poop opinions: “When I am in largely white areas and I see litter and dog poop all over the place I find it genuinely depressing.” As opposed to not being genuine, one assumes. But wait, what’s this? White people making a mess? Did I read this properly? Goodness me. I can picture now Collett stomping his way to the Co-op cursing every damn cracker and their chihuahua fouling the footpath of his manly marching. By the way, yes it is true. Whilst out stomping/marching around, I’m told Collett does listen to himself. Surely even he must miss the old old mono dial.

Anyway, I guess them dirty dogs will be taken out and shot once Collett manages to get his Allotment into power. Bloody, dirty white folk and their animals etc, etc.

Collett’s sudden dislike of dogs and their poop is rather out of step with his otherwise hero, the shite Austrian painter Adolf Hitler (and Billy Charlton.) You see, Hitler had a prolific pooping canine called Blondi. A German Shepherd, Uncle Adolf never once ran after her with a poopa scoop. No. The dirty swine- hunt had free rein to defecate wherever she pleased. The Reich had positively loads of her foul mess everywhere. Goebbels was driven to distraction by it. He said it was the “most beautiful poop” he had ever seen. Even the late and not-so great Colin Jordan had a German Shepherd with a dirty derrière. Those were the good ole days of British Nazism.

Since Jordan’s death, I’m sure many other pedestrians have noticed a dearth of good old fashioned white dog poop. Maybe that’s Collett’s issue? The wrong colour of poop…. Has he even watched the latest Sex in the City?

Of course, much of what Collett says and thinks is heresy to most proper, fully grown up Nazis. Those old enough to remember another great ‘White Homeland’ project will recall Combat 18 prospecting they turn the city limits of Colchester into some great bastion of Aryan resistance, dog fighting and dogshit during the 1990’s. The plans got as far as a group of them moving into caravans before they fell out over whether to buy more guns and drugs with the lucre they were making from selling guns and drugs. It ended in murder.